Monday, September 28, 2009

So hard

I think one of the main reasons I was hoping for a girl was not really the pretty pink clothes (although: bonus!) but because I just have it in my head that girls must be easier. They play quietly. They sit quietly. They don't have to be moving all the time. They don't pull on you or jump on you or tackle you.

Right? Right?

(I'm sure some mothers of girls are laughing hysterically right now.)

The thing is that Lucas is just so crazy and over the top physical. He doesn't sit still. He is all about big movements--jumping, running, tackling his mama. He is loud.

And sometimes it is really, really hard.

Sometimes I just want a child who will play quietly. Who will sit in my lap for more than four pages of a book before he starts wandering around the room or playing with other toys (while still wanting you to read to him, of course). Someone who will walk next to me when we are out without me having to have a death grip on his wrist (yes, wrist; hand-to-hand is much too easy to slip out of).

This weekend was particularly rough. Allergy season has arrived and with it ended our few month respite from Lucas's respiratory problems. We started nebulizer treatments last week and those inhaled steroids make him crazy. More crazy than usual. Sunday I had to run out to the grocery store for one item before dinner. He came with me. I didn't think about the fact that he had just finished a treatment and let him walk with me instead of getting a cart. One item turned into four, but we still zipped through very quickly. After the 10 minutes it took to get through the check-out line, however, it was all I could do to get to the car before breaking down in tears.

Lucas was running around, jumping, bumping the cart in front of us and grabbing everything in sight. When I tried to hold on to him he started YELLING that I was hurting him. (I was not.) I really can not adequately describe it but I felt like the worst mother in the world. Like I had the worst child in the world. What an awful feeling.

Later at home I was crying again. (Lucas didn't see my tears on the drive home.) And he came over to give me the biggest hug. He opened the living room window (with some help) so that "the birdies can sing you a song and make you happy." He brought me his most favorite cars to cheer me up. He was his wonderful, amazing, kind and loving self.

Later that night, after his bath, he sat on my lap and I cuddled with him. I apologized for yelling at him and told him how much I love him. He said, "I forgive you, Mama. I love you, too."

I wouldn't change Lucas for anything in the world. But sometimes it is just so, so hard.

Original post by Smiling Mama. Thanks for reading!


  1. My girl doesn't sit still either unless it involves the tv! She's probably not as active as Lucas, but she loves to dance, jump, climb, you name it! Especially jumping on me (rather difficult since I'm 8 months preg).

    Sometimes I wish she would sit and play quietly too. However if she does manage to do that, I know I have a mess to clean up!

  2. My mom was a kindergarten teacher for 30 years and has always told me she'd rather have a class of 30 boys (than 30 girls)...
    They are easier emotionally- if they get in a fight, after it, it's over. period. they've forgotten it. and boys listen better- according to her :)


  3. This was a very nice post. I can see how it would be very hard for you because that boy is certainly something else... but I can also see how you don't want to change him one bit because is he ever special just the way he is!!! I think no matter what kind of kid you have (active, quiet, outgoing, shy) it will be heartbreaking in one way or another for the parent. That's my aunt perspective, anyway! :)

  4. Hi, Aimee! I am the smiling mama that you recently communicated with via email. It was not in my plans to stop by your blog again so soon but I am sure glad I did.
    This was a wonderful post. So often we hear about super moms with no doubts, concerns or fears. In reality, I think all of us, even those self proclaimed super moms, have moments where we wonder if we are the worst mom ever. The reality is we are darn good mamas. Just sometimes we are humbled by your little darlings at the worst moments. And rush hour super market crowds are always overly judgmental. No worries, mate.
    Second, I have four boys and our youngest is our one darling daughter. When I was pregnant with our girl, I had wanted another boy. I knew boys. I was a soccer mom, a dig in the dirt mom, a boy mom. A girl simply would not fit in. Well, she does. It is different than it was, but she is what was needed for our family. The same is true with you. The wee one you have growing below your heart is exactly what is needed for your family.
    Once I got over the initial shock of a girl being added to our brood, I had the same thoughts that you expressed. But all those things they say about girls may be true of some girls, but not mine. She is twice as hard as any of my boys. The constant talking wears me out. The fits over the outfit's matching accessory being lost are often and long. The need to control the situation and the need to participate in whatever I am doing is so much more draining than simply having the boys watch. We love our daughter beyond measure but count your blessings.
    All the best to you!


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