Doubt

Right now, it is my greatest desire to get pregnant, quit my job and become a full-time stay at home mom. My grand plan is to get pregnant in April (I'll skip March, thankyouverymuch, no more Christmas babies if I can help it!), quit my job in May or June, enjoy the summer at home with Lucas and then enroll him in the morning program at the wonderful nursery school (that's conveniently located at the other end of our block!) in September.

The thing is, I just don't know if I can do it. Be a stay at home mom, that is.

I quit my previous--and big responsibility and fairly stressful--job on the last day of my maternity leave (thus confirming the worst stereotypes of reasons not to hire women/moms, right?) and started this created-for-me, 20 hour, 2.5 days a week, little-to-no stress job when Lucas was about 4 months old.

So, so many times I've expressed my opinion that I have the best of both worlds in my current situation: I get lots of quality time home with Lucas and also get to dress up and go to work. I get to be mom and professional with a good balance of each. And, truly, I'm so grateful.

But.

I have a million reasons for wanting to quit my job. First, I am incredibly frustrated with it, for reasons I can't list here. Second, Abel's work situation has increased dramatically in stress and hours over the past 8 or so months and he is leaving earlier and getting home later. Thus, while he can still help with the morning routine, I'm flying solo most nights--scrambling to leave work early enough to get to daycare pickup, throwing together dinner, and getting Lucas to bed. With maybe a bit of playtime (or more likely TV time) stuck in there. Third, I really want Lucas to move from daycare into this nursery school and its current times (even if we choose the full-day option) aren't well-suited to working (outside the home) parents. Fourth, I can't imagine continuing this balancing act with two kids, especially an infant. Should I go on?

On the days when I am home with Lucas, especially when I've been home with him for several days in a row, the doubt creeps in. I sincerely am not sure that I have it in me to be a full time stay at home mom. Because, let me tell you, on those crazy mornings, it sure is nice to drop him off with Abigail (who he loves and who loves him so so so so much) and his friends at her house. After a few days at home in full-time "mom mode" work is downright EASY. And all that mom stuff. Well, it is exhausting. I don't need to tell you that.

And, I can't help but thinking that it is pretty stupid to consider quitting a job in this economy. To be honest, though, we're in the best financial position of our lives, mostly because we've worked really, really hard to pay off all our credit debt (and believe me, it was SUBSTANTIAL). We've been saving most of my salary every month (it's not much, really) and so as long as Abel has a job, I know we can do it. There will be cut-backs, of course. But, it is possible.

So, we'll see. We'll see what happens. We'll see if my grand plan falls nicely into place. We'll see how I do as a SAHM. I don't think I'll be one for the next 18 years. But maybe 18 months would be nice.